Tuesday, December 05, 2006

10 Things I Learned Watching The Da Vinci Code

1. For a book that read so much like a movie or tv show, it sure made a crappy movie. I know. The book is almost always better then the movie. So when the book is a dud, I guess I shouldn't have expected it to be anything more than what it was - the cinematic equivalent of a wet, stinking cow patty.

2. That, even in the movie, two dedicated codebreakers take way too long to link Isaac Newton with a frigging apple. I could accept most of the foolishness up to that point but to have the crucial final puzzle be as friggin' simple as apple. . . Come on! Where'd Dan Brown pull that one out of? Puzzles for Dummies II, Even Dumberer Puzzles for Dumberer Readers?

3. Ironically, this thriller lacks thrills. I won't even get into it's lack of logic.

4. Jean Reno and Audrey Tatou may be better than this schlock, but they sure didn't show it. And neither did Mr. Hanks, for that matter.

5. Don't share a drink with a criminal mastermind. Especially when you are no longer of use. While your at it, stay away from Albinos, too. As Hollywood shows again and again, less pigment, for some reason, equals more evil.

6. When push comes to shove, spend more time talking about things. Tell, don't show.

7. If you're dying from a gun wound, it's a good time to get crazy with the blood drawings and invisible ink.

8. Once the tension dies down, spend a lot of time explaining every single detail before you let the credits roll. Leave nothing to the imagination.

9. Cheesy ghost images are not just the domain of crappy shows like Cold Case. They just look like they belong on tv.

10. Even with all the trappings of intelligence - academics, puzzles, books - Dan Brown's story is surprisingly dumb. I'm ashamed to have to paraphrase a line from an Adam Sandler movie but here it is - I feel dumber for having watched this thing.

No comments: